Sebby Mc’s Mock Draft 1.0

Well the NFL Draft has finally come and gone… now let’s start mocking. While some people around this league have been enjoying their “offseason” I, Seabass McTango, have been gathering intel for months on which way these teams are leaning. There’s a lot of time until the SFO Draft, but if it happened today, it would happen EXACTLY like this. Thank me later.

Pick 1 – Vice

This pick has been locked in for a while, no matter how much smoke Vice tried to blow. He drafts the guy who can’t be tackled. It’s tackle fantasy football after all. Plus he seems to really like short players. Size isn’t everything… it’s how you use it, right?

Pick 2 – Thick Thighs Save Lives

I’m, exclusively, told the Thighs have already turned down an offer from UPC — Lamar Jackson in exchange for the 2nd and 3rd overall picks+ — because they have a clear vision for their future. That vision? Youth. Cam Ward will lead the charge for the Thighs this fall, alongside the untouchable JJ McCarthy… so stop asking about him (cough, Vice, cough).

Pick 3 – Thick Thighs Save Lives

While the teams picking right behind the Thighs have been loud T-Mac detractors — tossing around words like ‘fat’ and ‘another Big 12 bust’ — the Thighs are sticking to their board and taking who they believe is the best wideout in the draft.

Pick 4 – Tight Cores

Someone better wake the Cores up from this draft weekend nightmare. The Shedeur Sanders plan? Dead….unless? To make it worse, Hunter won’t even don the brown and orange. But instead of panicking, the Cores do what they do best — look se… I mean.. pivot to pure talent. They’ve been longtime believers in Travis Hunter, and at pick 4, they’ll gladly roll the dice on the biggest upside in the draft. Maybe this isn’t a nightmare after all… maybe it’s the heist of the draft. Never kill yourself.

Pick 5 – Commish

Well, well, well — what has the Commish gotten himself into here? A bowling ball on cleats has him salivating as he finally lands the running back he’s been drooling over since watching way too much of the 2023 UNC Tar Heels. This pick, once thought to be very available, is now looking untouchable as we close in on draft day.

Pick 6 – Sweaty Pitts

SURELY the Pitts can’t resist taking the Bears’ 10th overall pick, Colston Loveland, here… right? Sure, they’ve got a star-studded TE room, with their namesake Kyle Pitts leading the charge. But don’t sleep on the Pitts, reader. Their head outweighs their heart. Instead of chasing shiny toys, they go for the highest value on the board — a player some are calling a Jahmyr Gibbs-lite.

Pick 7 – YAC E

It’s no secret this team hasn’t been glued to film this offseason. Why would they? They’ve stepped away from the grind, focused on finding inner peace. But deep down, we all know what fires them up — hard-nosed, old-school football. Yeah, AMERICAN football. Ever heard of it?

‘Wheeerreeessss Luther Burden???’ allegedly echoed from a high-ranking YAC E official on night one of the NFL Draft. After Burden’s slide, it’s time for a change of plans. How many running backs is too many? YAC E doesn’t care. The same team that once wished the RB position was abolished is now stacking up backs like they’re trying to corner the market. Judkins is the next thoroughbred added to their stable.

Pick 8 – Ice Cream Boys

A very reputable source — who, of course, I can’t name — tells me that at the latest ICB get-together, they couldn’t stop singing from the mountaintops about how obsessed they are with this tight end class. While this pick was once circled for Tyler Warren, turns out the idea of getting 62% of their former QB Anthony Richardson’s drop backs is less appealing than Ben Johnson’s first-ever draft selection at 10th overall. The Sweaty Pitts? They shed a tear. Because the ICB? They’re in love with landing this guy.

Pick 9 – Vice

Imagine spending a first rounder on store-brand Chris Godwin, who by the way, will be playing directly in front of Egbuka. Make sure Chris’s water bottle is always filled, kid. Nice pick, Vice. You’ve outsmarted the league again. Idiot. Enjoy forever being in third place. Loser.

Pick 10 – KySol

Some people around the league are saying this QB is ‘too hot to fail.’ The inaugural champ? Yeah, they agree. And everyone else is just gonna let a first-round QB slide to pick 10? Remember Bo Nix last year? Hah. Welcome to the first round, KySol. Easy pickings.

Pick 11 – Tight Cores

Tempted by the fruit of another. Tempted, but the truth is discovered. What’s been going on now that Shedeur hasn’t gone early? The Cores will hold strong. Instead of giving in, they land the guy everyone had as the top tight end pre-draft, Tyler Warren. A calculated choice, but still…

Pick 12 – Thick Thighs

Sean Payton likes to have his running backs score points in fantasy. The Thighs know this. With one of the most robust scouting and analytics departments in the league, they’re not fazed by Harvey’s age or the ‘overdraft’ chatter. He’s going to score a lot of points and fills a major need as they beef up their running back depth. They’re more than happy to grab the guy who, I’m told, a few teams in the top half of the draft heavily considered but weren’t willing to take a shot on early. Their loss.

Pick 2.01 – Thick Thighs

A first round WR in the second round? Ha ha. The Thighs are wondering how they’ve gotten so lucky once again. I guess the Thighs leaguemates think they know better than the billion dollar organizations in the NFL.

Pick 2.02 – Sweaty Pitts

Pick 2.03 – Sweaty Pitts

Patience has paid off for the Pitts. Sure, it’s a crowded room in Chicago. But the Pitts are not resisting the hometown player who some are labeling as Amon-ra with more juice. Uhhh yeah.. sounds pretty good to me. I expect a lot of calls to be fielded, and denied, by the Pitts when Burden is still available at this point in the draft.

Pick 2.04 – Commish

Secrets, secrets are no fun — unless you’re the Commish, who shares them with everyone. Maybe he doesn’t care that Jaxson Dart looks like he just stepped off a movie set — but he does believe that his leading receiver, Tre Harris, is the real reason Dart even heard his name called on draft night.

Pick 2.05 – Hardbodies

Oh great, the reigning champ gets Nico Collins 2.0. Because clearly they needed more firepower. Word around the league is a high-ranking official can’t even look at the Hardbodies roster without breaking into a cold sweat. They’re not alone. But too bad, deal with it.

Pick 2.06 – ICB

Does this one really need any explanation?

Pick 2.07 – North County

Based on my conversations over the weekend — and by the way, I never stopped calling — I wouldn’t be surprised if this player, or the previous selection in Skattebo, go a lot higher when we get to the real draft. A few teams are absolutely infatuated with both the player and the landing spot.

Pick 2.08 – Vice

This loser’s still obsessed with Drake Maye. Get over it already, man — seriously. Enjoy spending a premium(ish) pick on Drake Maye’s newest overaged, one-hit wonder in Kyle Williams. Because, you know, the Patriots are notoriously amazing at evaluating wide receiver talent, right? Carry on…

Pick 2.09 – North County

North County adds a player that many are comparing to Hunter Renfrow, Cooper Kupp, Chris Hogan, Wes Welker, and Alec Pierce just to name a few. Lunch pail guy is just what North County is looking for as they look to add to their WR room.

Pick 2.10 – Sweaty Pitts

Laugh if you want. By week 7 you’ll be begging the Pitts to sell you the man who’s last name pronunciation really makes no sense.

Pick 2.11 – Sweaty Pitts

The Pitts are busier than a $5 craps table at 1 am in this second round. They add Justin Fields newest safety net with NFL DNA in his blood.

Pick 2.12 – KySol

Sources suggest a few teams had Milroe as their QB 1 on their board. If he can beat out the unflappable Sam Darnold (pause) in Seattle KySol may have hit a grand slam to end the second round.

Rounds 3 & 4 (Rookies only)

Sin City awaits,
Seb