Power Rankings – Week 12

Gather around the table, we’ve reached the home stretch of the regular season in the 2022 Dad Bods Fantasy Football League. Which teams are already asleep on the couch and who’s going back for seconds?

Three teams (My Wife Left Me, Hogs, Inc., and Untethered Rage) are already booking hotels for the playoffs, but the remaining three spots are up for anyone to grab.

12. Hogs, Inc.

Hogswash. LIV Golf, the World Cup, Hogs, Inc. This sportswashing has gone too far. You cannot fool us any longer, Hogs. How much did they pay to bring in a tall and lovable “teammate” to try and change their image this year? Eleven weeks in and their true colors are once again showing. We’d never spread a rumor but how much money was set aside for the Big Dawgs in that trade? No amount of points or victories can paint over who this franchise really is, untrustworthy filth.

This “incorporation” ought to be ashamed of themselves. There’s no need to double the points on the lowly Bread ‘N’ Butter duo at the bottom of the standings.

11. Untethered Rage

Please take a seat if you are not already sitting as this may be shocking. The commissioner’s team has yet again committed highway robbery in route to a dodgy victory. There’s really no rhyme or reason this team has 8 victories. Although the more we think about it, the more we wonder about that last minute schedule change in the preseason. The games have certainly fallen in this teams favor…. hmm… Untethered rage… or untethered luck? Certainly this cannot be a meticulously calculated plan set out in motion before the season. They would need to have some sort of boy genius locked away who’s mind they would harvest to set something up like that. That doesn’t sound like this team, no not at all…

Take a look in the mirror commish. What have you done?

10. IC Lighters

The light just may have been blown out on Monday night for the team hailing from Iron City. A franchise that’s known to get the most out of their players has so far gotten the least of themselves. Is there enough midnight oil left for the IC Lighters to burn? With three games remaining in the regular season they find themselves one game out, but well behind in the points for race. Hoisting the league’s second longest current losing streak at four games it’s do or die for this historic franchise.

The backend of our power rankings are getting all too familiar for a bunch who had high expectations coming into this year.

9. Bread ‘N’ Butter

They’re in their bed. And no one else is there. And there’s no one to blame but the $16 dollars they left in their wandering hands. Forget what they said (early this season), it’s not what they meant. They can’t take it back and unpack the baggage they left. What are they now? (A last place team). What if they’re someone no one wants to be around (at the bottom of the standings). Bread ‘N’ Butter are falling again, falling again, they’re falling down the standings.

It hasn’t gone their way this season, and appears the players have said that’s enough and given up. While this team is still mathematically alive, a 71.7 point performance in week 11 is all but the last nail in the coffin.

The butter boys still find themselves ahead of a few teams in the rankings who quite frankly insult us.

8. McTango’s Kryptonite

Bleh. After a historically cold start to the season, last year’s champion looked to be trending in the right direction and ready to show off some of that pedigree once again. Two tough losses in a row to teams also competing for one of those last playoff spots and we here at Picked Off Magazine can confirm that was a only a hot streak. Their prior performances will hurt their future chances of being in the playoffs as their scoring total simply hasn’t been enough so far to warrant a spot in the field. Next up is a red hot Conglomerate team in a winner takes all battle.

Is there anything left up their sleeve to pull out this season?

7. Team Diversity

Get in line for the Team Diversity rollercoaster of a season. Win some, lose some, start some, sit some, pick up some, drop some. This roster has been churning and burning which has led to some inconsistent results. One thing remains constant year after year however, Derrick Henry. It’s getting to about that time of the season when we’ve seen this King take over, and Team Diversity will be hoping the past will also be the future.

They’re down, but certainly not out as their remaining three games are all teams right alongside them in the playoff race.

6. The Big Dawgs

Who let the dawgs out? Who? WHO WHO WHOWHO? This week’s most polarizing team is the Big Dawgs. They made a big decision to trade away star tight end Travis Kelce in return for a depth of players. While chatter around the league was at its’ loudest the Big Dawgs went out there and won in dramatic fashion on Monday night. An early injury to new sparkplug Kadarius Toney left the Dawgs with egg on their face while Kelce ripped off touchdown after touchdown. With what would be his final pass of the game stupid, sexy, Jimmy Garropolo told the dawgs have no fear, for I am here. A change of scenery led to a bright start for new rumble man David Montgomery. For a team that was otherwise sputtering, will this shakeup be enough to push them into the playoffs?

So far that answer is yes.

5. My Wife Left Me

Don’t look now but My Wife has also Left three of the last four games behind. Is their best football behind them, or are they simply weathering the storm before Hollywood Brown returns? Time to bust the slump they’re currently in as a bye the first week of the playoffs is of utmost importance to this former champion. Are they on a collision course with the Hogs for a rematch of the 2019 championship? Not in their current state.

My Wife Left Me drops to a spot in our rankings they haven’t been since the start of the year when they were counted out. Maybe this team works best when they’re a surprise…

4. Oprah’s Clunge

This week’s victory over My Wife Left Me all but cements the Clunge’s first playoff appearance since the league merger. A tremendous feat for a deserving duo. Just making the playoffs isn’t what the Clunge are here to do though, and the internet’s favorite pairing is poised to do some damage in a few weeks time.

Uncharted seas lie ahead, but a coming together kind of win this week over My Wife Left Me while a few of their star players were on bye show this just could be the Clunge’s year. They’re standing on the verge of getting it on. Hubba Hubba.

3. A Shot and a Beer

They survived. They’re still breathing, they’re still breathing. A Shot and a Beer are ALIVE. The five game skid in the middle of the season is in their rearview mirror and this team has sights only for the mountaintop. A pivotal matchup in week 12 with the disgusting Hogs looks to be a classic good vs. evil. Will Dalvin Cook mark his revenge on his former oligarchs? Will Garrett Wilson say you should’ve kept me?

There’s not much margin for error for A Shot and a Beer, but do they even need one? They are the defending number one seed for a reason. That means something.

2. The Crockpot Boys

Hello darkness my old friend. The Crockpot has come to talk to you again. Their lofty vision is softly creeping… away.

Hope. It was there. Death. It is here. That’s what our source close to the situation is saying, but we here at Picked Off Magazine are going to let that be the sound of silence. This team’s story isn’t over yet. Three games left. One game out. Do or die. Time to serve up some stew.

We still believe in this team, but do they believe in themselves?

1. The Conglomerate

Your time is up (league), The Conglomerate’s time is now. You can’t see it, but their time is now. It’s this franchise, league, their time is now. Get your flowers, Conglomerate, after taking down the hottest team in the league in the mercurial Crockpot Boys. This team has scratched and clawed their way into the playoff hunt, and to quote the great Queen, don’t stop them now. They’re having such a good time.

They’re a shooting star leaping through the sky. Burning through the sky. They’re super sonic.

Long overdue but welcome to the top, Conglomerate.

Gobble gobble,
– Miles