Power Rankings – Week 14

Maybe we’re superstitious and afraid of the unlucky number thirteen. Or maybe we here at Picked Off Magazine have spent the last week plus dancing with the devil. A life of sin and gin is not for all, but we mustn’t forget our family (you). And make no mistake, we’re passionate about you, reader. Just so happens we may also have been passionate about another thing or two lately as well. Nevertheless, a mistake has been made and with that a lesson has been learned. While our thoughts have been mostly kept private in recent times, they have not scampered away and with the last week of the season approaching we here at Picked Off Magazine are happy to once again share them with you.

One week left in the regular season and everything to play for. Four teams (Hogs, Inc., My Wife Left Me, Untethered Rage, and Oprah’s Clunge) already have travel plans arranged for the playoffs. Two teams (The Conglomerate and The Crockpot Boys) are working on their tans in Cancun a bit early this year. That leaves us with two playoff spots remaining, and six teams in the hunt.

Who has what it takes? Find out below…

12. The Crockpot Boys

Here lies the Crockpot Boys. Gone but never forgotten. Their 2022 season is over. It’s been said before but to reiterate you can’t kill a team that doesn’t have hope, and hope this team certainly had late on this season. Similar to that dirt bike for the holidays, sometimes wanting something the most doesn’t mean you’ll get it. Someone queue You Can’t Always Get What You Want. However, these rolling stones have found their final resting point. But oh they tried sometimes, and they found what they need. A new season. Once again.

And yes, we’ve heard the inklings of a potential “retirement” too. That rumor goes in the same place my McDonalds bag does after eating a snack wrap in my Mazda Miata, right out the window. Just joshing kids, don’t litter. #OnePlanet #EarthDayIsJustAroundTheCornerKinda

11. IC Lighters

Sure they’re mathematically alive, but the IC Lighters will need some serious quantitative physics to get into the dance. This team flat out stinks. And quite frankly they’ve stunk all year. Five victories is nothing short of miracle for this once storied franchise. Have they lost their touch? Are they a has been… or a never was?

Losses by McTango’s Kryptonite, A Shot and A Beer, and Bread ‘N’ Butter look to be necessary as the Lighters try to sneak into the last spot as either one of the Big Dawgs or Team Diversity must win and hold a substantial point total lead. The job isn’t done from there either as not only will they need to win this week’s toilet bowl vs The Crockpot Boys, but they’ll also need to outscore the Kryptonite by 20 points or so.

A tall task, but this team is never afraid to put the hard hat on and go to work. Oh wait we forgot something paramount, they stink. Smell you later, losers.

10. The Conglomerate

What is dead may never die. Although their 2022 season has drowned, this hard nosed duo rules the sea which may look bleak to some. The role of spoiler is certainly in the cards for the last week of the season as they host their former trade partners, A Shot and a Beer, in a must win game. It’s written in the depth of the seas, isn’t it?

The Conglomerate will rise again stronger and harder.

9. Untethered Rage

Nein. Remind you of anyone? This dictator and his protective echelon have no business being one win away from a first round bye. Awfully convenient for an awful regime. No we won’t call them a franchise. That is earned not given, and this team is more in the taking business. Will they take an unwarranted first round bye? We here at Picked Off Magazine certainly wouldn’t be surprised. Decency is just another word in the dictionary for this dictator.

Do we hold any biases here? Nein. Where does Untethered Rage (ooOooOoo such a scary name) land in our power rankings? Nine.

8. A Shot and a Beer

Keep holding on. ‘Cause they know they’ll make it through. Just stay strong. With one game to go it’s a simple formula for A Shot and a Beer. Win, and they’re in. Will this playoff berth slip away? The once 4-0 team has had a season of extreme highs and lows. With everything on the line in a week 13 matchup against their bitter rivals, Bread ‘N’ Butter, yet another team got the better of a Shot and a Beer. 76 points just ain’t gonna cut it.

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing? A Shot and a Beer face off against at least what they can call ex-trade partners in The Conglomerate who look to spoil their season one more time. With all of the opportunity in the world at their disposal, an unforgettable skid to end this season would leave A Shot and a Beer asleep at the bar.

P.S. Let’s not forget A Shot and a Beer’s record without Lamar Jackson this season, 5-0. Who is injured for the next few weeks…

7. Team Diversity

Hold on, they’re going home. If Team Diversity keeps this up, they certainly will be going home instead of the playoffs. They’ve got their eyes on their matchup vs The Big Dawgs. It’s everything that they see. They want a hot win and some emotion, endlessly. 10 points. That’s the combined number of points Team Diversity has lost by the last three weeks. Do they simply not want to win? Or do they not know how? Turn the tides on any of those close matchups and this team is looking forward to their wildcard matchup in week 15. One thing we know for sure is this team won’t cry over spilled milk.

Is it too little, too late? Are they a good team, and they know it? They no longer control their own destiny, but they’ll try to control the only thing that lies ahead of them, victory.

6. The Big Dawgs

Ay, let me kick it to you right quick, man. The Big Dawgs have been traveling on this road too long. They’re just trying to find their way back home (in the playoffs). The old them (with Killa Trav) is dead and gone. However, the new them is also looking dead and gone as they find themselves in a similar place as their week 14 opponents, Team Diversity. They must win, and a few others must sin. Will their be a paper trail left of Travis Kelce? Can TJ Hockenson let this team live their life, and give them whatever they like?

Their life, their entertainment. In one week we’ll see what’s up, what’s haapnin’ with the Big Dawgs.

5. McTango’s Kryptonite

Lights, Kamara, action. Or so they thought. The reigning champions are holding onto another playoff birth by a thread. Water always finds it’s level, and it’s about time this kryptonite filled water rises to the occasion. A matchup against the high flying Clunge in week 14 should provide some fireworks, but murmurs around the league are starting to say the Clunge may rest their starters ahead of their first playoff appearance.

We know this New Jersey based duo avidly listens to the motivational speaker Tony Robbins, and he always says,

The mark of a champion is consistency—and true consistency is established by our habits.

McTango’s Kryptonite’s Hero, Tony Robbins

A season filled with bad habits and inconsistency has left more of a smear than a mark. Last chance to clean it up. Win and they are in. Do or die.

4. Bread ‘N’ Butter

Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in… Quite a developing situation. Everything that could go wrong in the middle portion of this season did for this lustful duo, but just what do we have here the last two weeks… Oh, just two commanding victories in a row in combination with every team in front of them folding like a lawn chair. THEY’RE NOT DEAD YET! Someone call Daughtry because it’s not over.

Some warm butter spreading on bread not something other teams in this league want to see. They never said the road was going to be easy, but the road less traveled may just have been the right path this pair.

After countless in-depth simulations our top analysts have this duo at a 69% chance of putting on their finest tux for the dance. And boy, does this duo know how to boogie. Watch out.

3. Oprah’s Clunge

Hello? Is there anybody in there? There is no pain they are receding. They got that feeling, they can’t explain or understand. This is not how they usually are. Because this time, in 2022, Oprah’s Clunge is in the Playoffs. Oprah’s Clunge have become comfortably numb.

While they may have a week off in week 14, this is no time to get comfortable for the internet’s favorite duo. Hey you (yeah you, Oprah’s Clunge), this isn’t just another brick in the wall. This is the PLAYOFFS. Welcome. We here at Picked Off Magazine must applaud the dream season this team has deserved for so long. Onwards, and upwards?

Welcome to the dark side of the moon. No more need to wish they were here, because Oprah’s Clunge has arrived.

2. My Wife Left Me

How you doin’, young My Wife Left Me? Promiscuous team, wherever they are. They’re all alone, and a championship is what they want. Promiscuous victory, you already know. That My Wife Left Me is all yours, what are you waiting for? Promiscuous season, you’re teasing them. You know what they want, and My Wife Left Me has what you need. Promiscuous playoffs, lets get to the point. My Wife Left is on a roll, you ready?

Roses are red, some diamonds are blue. Chivalry is dead, but My Wife Left is still kinda cute.

1. Hogs, Inc.

It’s all the same, only the names of (some) their players will change. Every day, it seems they’re waivering away. They’re cowboys, on a steel horse they ride. Hogs, Inc. are wanted. Dead or alive. They walk these streets, a loaded six fantasy points on their back. They play for keeps, ’cause they might not make it back. They’ve been everywhere, but they’re still standing tall atop the standings. They’re wanted coming into these playoffs, and their playoffs start early as they have a winner takes all matchup in week 14 against Untethered Rage to determine who gets a first round bye.

They will still ride, dead or alive. They still drive, dead or alive. These wild Hogs aren’t finished yet. Rev your engines it’s time to go.

I’ve missed you,
– Miles