Power Rankings – Week 2

Finally. All of the talk, speculation, hearsay, and anticipation of the summer is over with and the season is here. Now that we’ve seen these teams line up on the gridiron we have a much clearer idea of how things are going to shake out this year. With week 1 in the books here’s where we value the teams in the DBFFL.

11. Oprah’s Clunge

Yes, we know. We’re as shocked as you are. That picture above is actually someone who the Clunge spent $23 on to play fantasy football on their team. At first we thought maybe they hired him to make some spreadsheets for them for the draft, or even sell them a 2006 Toyota Camry with flare decals on the side. It gets worse… they started him week 1, but to be fair his 5.1 pts did account for a 5.8% of their whopping league low 87.46 point total. Michael Pittman Jr. provided a much needed bright spot for the Clunge, but only getting 24.16 points in total from their running backs and quarterback will have the Clunge asking their namesake for handouts like a free 2006 Camry they seemingly didn’t already receive with the money they spent. Hopefully the Clunge crossword merchandise can help keep whatever fans are busy rather than watching the product that was displayed on Sunday.

10. Team Diversity

Perhaps this King still needs a bit more mourning, or at least didn’t have his morning coffee as he looked half asleep out there at times against the measly New York (but actually New Jersey) Football Giants. Historically Team Diversity goes as far as their monarch takes them, and they’ll expect to get more out of him in the coming weeks. A strong start from the Bills Defense and excellent managerial skills in benching the Rams duo in Akers and Robinson who combined for 2.2 points looked to have put this team on the front foot going into Sunday. However, moderate showings from the rest of their team just weren’t up to snuff and beg to ask the question if the rest of the team took the weekend off.

9. McTango’s Kryptonite

With a rebel yell – “MOORE, MOORE, MOORE”. McTango’s Kryptonite is looking for more from star wideout D.J. Moore especially now that he has one of the best commercial actors of all time slinging him the rock on Sundays. Lights, Kamara, Action must’ve missed his cue card after he only accounted for 46 total yards. Keeper and leader in the locker room, Joe Mixon, will need to rally his troops to make sure the defending champion’s hangover doesn’t last too far into the season.

8. Hogs, Inc.

Classless. Tasteless. Childish. Pathetic. Just a few of many words to describe the Hogs ruthless performance against the battered Crockpot Boys. “Hogs means family”, but if that means beating up on the bruised and broken that’s not a family we want any part of. Really disgusting acts from this duo, but should we expect anything else at this point? Sure Saquon looks like he has his burst back, Ja’Marr Chase happens to be quite good at football, and Jalen Hurts is our future president but at what cost? The bump up in our power rankings is only due to our journalistic integrity because quite frankly we’re disgusted with their acts this past weekend. Some appreciation society they are…

7. My Wife Left Me

All By Theirself? After this week one performance we’re starting to think they’re back on the market with some new found confidence. Stefon Diggs has performed a makeover on this crazy, stupid, fantasy football team that has everyone seeing them in a new light. After a few tough years some one night stands could do this team good, even if it means taking home league dumpster Untethered Rage. However we’re all left wondering if this is just a few flashes in the pan, or will this turn into something serious? Either way make sure you check into the clinic as soon as possible after getting all up in Untethered Rage’s “business”.

6. The Conglomerate

They’re not impressed. We’re not impressed. Luckily we know well that these icons never rest on their laurels, and are never afraid to shake things up. A drop in our rankings this week only lies with the team in its’ current state, and knowing these owners they’ll soon find themselves back towards the top where they belong. As long as they keep star man Lamar Jackson we like whatever direction this team ends up going in the coming weeks.

5. The IC Lighters

The Lighters from Iron City lulled Oprah’s Clunge to sleep just as we warned. They knew well that the internet’s darlings aggressively play analytics, and at that standpoint, they’re predictable. They don’t send messages, they just make moves. For now, beating up on bottom feeders like Oprah’s Clunge doesn’t change much in our evaluation of the IC Lighters quite yet, but if this team ever learns about the new innovative forward pass watch out.

4. The Big Dawgs

The best friends narrative is alive and well for Davante Adams and Derek Carr which bodes well for the Big Dawgs. Travis Kelce reminds us he’s still quite good at that whole football game and provides the veteran leadership this young team needs early on in the season. An offseason and draft of uncertainty is starting to look a little clearer as they take down last years champs in week 1. Time will tell if these TikTok star running backs will be trending this season or if they’ll find themselves on the not for you page. A mix of good and bad jumps the Dawgs up in our rankings this week.

3. Bread ‘N’ Butter

Week 1’s top scorers are starting to remind us of a buzz cut a bit. Practical? Yes. Sexy? Not always.
Does having a depth of players make sense for a season long tournament? Yes, it does. Is it sexy? No, not really.

However, when you have certain gifts like Brad Pitt (or Justin Jefferson for $2 in this scenario) they’re starting to show they can even make buzz cuts look cool because it simply does not matter what they do. For every Brad Pitt there’s hundreds of Nathan Adrian’s though, but adding Josh Allen to this mix could have this team flowing all season long should their cut go out of style. Either way it seems they’ve found the love of their life in Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson.

2. A Shot and a Beer

Many were asking, “They don’t have any running backs, what are they going to do with 8 receivers on their roster?” The answer: Win. Convincingly.

Sure there’s questions of what this team will look like in the future, but for now they’re too busy taking care of business. WRU is paying off early, and our sources lead us to believe it has other teams around the league calling for some of their players, but without many running backs to offer in return we’re a bit curious as to if they’ll be able to move any of their receivers for any actual value. However, if we know anything about this reigning 1 seed where there’s a Wil, there’s a way. Our number 2 team in the power rankings looks to be a force to be reckoned with for weeks to come.

1. The Crockpot Boys

As the great, and I mean truly outstandingly great, Geno Smith told us on Monday Night Football

They wrote me off, but I ain’t write back

Former Heisman Trophy winner after just 5 weeks in 2012

Just when the Crockpot Boys had another doomsday type of scenario to start the season a light starts to shine up in Seattle for them. They thought they’d never love again, only for an old flame to text them “U up?”. While Eugene Cyril Smith III is not technically on the Crockpot Boys roster yet it’s all but a foregone conclusion he’ll be picked up in waivers and save their season. This ragtag duo still holds our top spot in the power rankings as we’ve yet to see their full potential with such early injuries derailing what could’ve been.

Others Not Receiving Consideration:
Untethered Rage.
We here at Picked Off Magazine pride ourselves in our unbiased journalism, and with that said…

I mean is there anything better than corruption getting a taste of their own Kool-Aid? Hopefully they can channel their big, bad, scary “rage” into doing some good for once after they’ve been served a large slice of humble pie from My Wife Left Me in the opening week. Billions worldwide thank you for your services My Wife Left Me, and we all hope you find some well endowed minx to ease your pain.

Until we meet again,
– Miles