Power Rankings – Week 3

We’re two weeks in and we’re ready to overreact. Are the contenders starting to separate themselves from the pretenders? What’s more important, the journey or the destination? Lets find out.

11. McTango’s Kryptonite

We’ll talk quietly in italics because someone needs to get this team an IV drip and advil because the reigning champions hangover is starting to build and take on a lifeform of its’ own. U-G-L-Y, McTango’s Kryptonite ain’t got no alibi, they’re downright ugly through two weeks. Apologies should be sent out to the rest of the league who have to scroll past this once storied franchise’s fall from grace when looking at the weekly scoreboard. We here at Picked Off Magazine are all for going out and celebrating successes like last year, but I mean 64 points… Really? This team may need to have some hair of that dawg in them because right now the only kryptonite this team has is a good performance.

10. Team Diversity

Are these two guys you’re really proud of beating up on? Team Diversity must’ve spent too much time at the Catalina Wine Mixer because they almost lost to a team that started Kenyan Drake and Taysom Hill in week 2. No that is not a misprint, Kenyan Drake and Taysom Hill actually found their way in a starting lineup this week and combined for 2.2 points and with all things considered that’s a pretty good showing for the duo. Either way we’re absolutely appalled with the way Team Diversity deployed (no longer a) secret double agent, Kirk Cousins, last minute because beating someone fair and square is clearly off the table for this team who preaches inclusivity.

Bright spots provided by the receiving corps of Team Diversity hope to keep them afloat while the rest of the league has now been put on notice with the dirty tricks they’ve shown they’re willing to play. With a potential James Conner injury looming, the return of J.K. Dobbins could just be the sweet child of Team Diversity. Maybe a little less smoking with Johnny Hopkins could have this team bonding over some karate in the garage and start playing ethically.

9. I.C. Lighters

Check the tap, the IC Light(ers) might be skunk after two weeks. Pepé Le Pew has touched-down, but the I.C. Lighters skill players haven’t. Major concerns at Quarterback, Running back, Wide Receiver, Tight End, Flex, Defense, and Kicker consume this team. A manager who’s known to get “the most out of their players” is currently stuck wiping the bottoms of their unpottytrained roster. This team has a long way to go if they think they’ll be able to sneak past anyone moving forward, starting with the heartthrob (and devillishy handsome) Crockpot Boys next week.

8. The Big Dawgs

Please someone contact the Big Dawgs if they have seen Darnell Mooney anywhere the past two weeks. Combining for a total of 2 catches for 4 yards in 2 games is not the kind of production the dawgs puppies can live with. That kind of line is starting to even wear off on star wideout Davante Adams who posted a 2 catch 12 yard performance that included a touchdown to put lipstick on the pig. When your defense leads the line for your team by 6 points no ones going to be asking who let the dawgs out. Hopefully one of these young puppy running backs can turn into a big DAWG. For now this team falls down our rankings until they stop chewing all the shoes in the locker room.

7. Oprah’s Clunge

There goes the Clunge’s hero, Tyreek Hill, watch him as he goes (and scores another long touchdown). 42 big ones were enough to paper over the cracks of the to put it frankly, jokesters, that filled out the rest of the lineup on Sunday. Hunter Renfrow or as the Clunge like to refer to him as, Weapon H, had a career day filling out with 59 yards and a game losing fumble. Newly acquired O.J. Howard fit right into the Clunge’s M.O. by adding in 1 catch for 7 yards. Questions are also starting to be asked about Mr. Long Con himself, Travis Etienne, as he finds his way back on the bench where he sat all last season. Nevertheless, a bump up in the rankings is necessary for the internet’s darling duo because they took after James Robinson and scrapped together and fought while star man Michael Pittman Jr. stayed at home eating bagel bites.

6. The Conglomerate

Frustration. That’s what we’ve gotten so far with this group of players and especially the much sought after keeper Kyle Pitts. We imagine something like this has already been penned and en route to Atlanta as we speak.

Dear "Coach" Smith,

Greetings, we're firm believers it is in fact fantasy football, and we're just trying to win. Considering your record we believe getting your star Tight End, Kyle Pitts, more involved may be beneficial to you as well in your quest for victory. Please give this some consideration during your next bubble bath. We look forward to hearing your response.

Sincerly,
CNGLMRT

For now this group stays right in the middle of our rankings at 6 as we know there’s more to come from these two even if we haven’t seen it show up on the field yet.

5. Hogs, Inc.

Glad these two cleaned up their act after their disgraceful showing last week. While they may have not come out victorious in their matchup this week we’re moving the Hogs up in our rankings simply because they are the proud owners of Garrett Wilson on Garrett Wilson Day. We’re never one to overreact but certainly seems the Hogs will have a big decision to make on who their keeper will be next year as the real Mr. Wilson (yes talking to you Russell, Zach, Jeff, and even Cedrick) has stood up and let the world know he has arrived. Sit back and enjoy the show, and for $2 they could (and should) watch the Garrett Wilson show year after year.

Rumor has it the Hogs were too distracted to worry about week two because they’re already working on Jalen Hurts 2036 Presidential campaign. If this team can get their blinders on right they could be one to look out for coming around that last turn.

4. A Shot and a Beer

Low man always wins, and in this case the low man is young Kyler Murray. Pulling off his best Paul Rudd impression, this ant-man has willed A Shot and a Beer to the top third of the rankings for the second week in a row. Although many GMs still question their wide receiver only strategy, the results are starting to speak for itself. This team always walks the fine line of being overserved while everyone waits to see if they’ll be politely asked to leave the establishment. In the meantime, out-casted duo Kyler Murray and Courtland Sutton lead the line for A Shot and a Beer while they are answering any and every call for the two.

A nail biting finish show this team is willing to do their best impersonation of the Las Vegas based stadium rock icons, Imagine Dragons, and do whatever it takes to make everyone else in this league a Believer. The minor drop in our rankings is simply because this team does not currently own Garrett Wilson even though they are a disciple of GW17.

3. My Wife Left Me

Everybody. Something this team’s body has been rocking. Business. Something this team has been taking care of. Points. Something this team has been scoring. Moms. Something this team has been doing. Hearts. Something this team has been winning.

The whole team here at Picked Off Magazine is incredibly impressed with this team, who we mistakenly wrote off in the preseason, and we will no longer hide from this team’s greatness. My Wife Left Me’s back, alright!

2. Bread ‘N’ Butter

This team is ranked second because apparently they think the championship is won in the second week of the season. While a long road waits ahead, we’re liking what we are seeing so far from the proud Justin Jefferson owners. Touchdowns, touchdowns, and more touchdowns have gotten Bread ‘N’ Butter spreading on smoothly to start the year. Seems like the rest of the league forgot Jaylen Waddle had the most receptions by a rookie in NFL history last year, but Bread ‘N’ Butter certainly didn’t. While some touchdown regression lingers around the corner for this team maybe these crazy birds can take a little blue pill and continue to keep it up and learn to fly.

However we here at Picked Off Magazine are starting to get a bit worried this early and I can’t stress it enough, very early, success will leave Bread ‘N’ Butter blinded by their hubris and in pretender land. Let’s hope they remain focused on the real prize and understand these things are earned, not given.

1. The Crockpot Boys

Welcome to heartbreak. Their heads keep spinning, and they can’t stop having these visions. However these visions of rising from the ashes like a phoenix, and no I’m not talking about that gross desert town in Arizona, must continue to only be visions for now. While many GMs around the league continue to say they’ve seen it before, this resilient squad has gotta get with it (ooh-hoo, ooh-hooo) and show the league they are in fact the real deal, next week of course. And no, no, I can’t stop. Can’t stop ranking the Crockpot Boys number 1 because their time will come.

The stews been in the pot for a while (and I mean a long while), but it’s almost ready to be served especially with Aaron Jones and Cooper Kupp as cooks in the kitchen. Get your bibs ready, it’s going to be messy.

Others Not Receiving Consideration:
Untethered Rage.
Blah blah blah. Just writing this so I don’t get fined.

See you soon I hope,
– Miles