Power Rankings – Week 4

Sunday, bloody Sunday… for some, but for others glory be thy name. As we continue to get a fuller picture of how this season will shape out here’s where we currently stand with the teams in the Dad Bods Fantasy Football League:

11. McTango’s Kryptonite

We’ll take down the hangover picture once it’s over (if ever). For now this team is looking like a group of 40 year old friends thinking they are still in their heyday while visiting during homecoming weekend. However, reality strikes shortly soon after and this time around no amount of fluids, rest, or painkillers can alleviate the sins they’ve made. When you dance with the devil, and you haven’t got a clue, you think you’ll change the devil, but the devil changes you.

Right now the familiar faces of McTango’s Kryptonite’s championship winning team look to have danced too many nights away at free liquor night and in return their reward is another performance with a point total that wouldn’t even land in a FM radio station frequency. The anchor of our power rankings is firmly in control of this position until further notice.

10. IC Lighters

The IC Lighters are looking like the automotive industry in 2008 because they just got bailed out. The “Slim Batman” of the IC Lighters decided this week was the week to remind everyone he did in fact win the Heisman trophy not so long ago. Add in another career game from Chris Olave and looks like the Crockpot Boys will soon be wearing Iron City Lighters merchandise as we previously reported:

This team moves down our rankings a spot because we here at Picked Off Magazine know fool’s gold when we see it. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and right now it looks just about that time for the Lighters.

9. Hogs, Inc.

They say the best ability is availability, and in week 3 the Hogs must’ve had their phone on do not disturb mode. However they found someone on the corner of First and Amistad although the game was all but lost. While the Hogs may be starting to feel lost and insecure, they found him. Even when the rest of their players are lying on the floor, surrounded, they found him. Where were you? The Hogs asked as their players were no where to be seen on the field this past Sunday.

Just a little late once again this week and the Hogs are sliding down our rankings. They will need to find more than just Jalen Hurts if they want to make sure their incorporation stays afloat, and by all accounts looks like they’re prepared to do so.

8. Oprah’s Clunge

Sure it was a heartbreaking and unexpected last minute loss, but at what point do you start to question if Oprah’s Clunge is simply allergic to success? That point is now because we here at Picked Off Magazine are questioning the Clunge’s ability to be more than just a pretty face with a rocking bod. One positive for the Clunge was that Weapon H had to be sidelined this week which allowed them think with their brains rather than that other thing that can have a mind of its’ own.

Three weeks have now passed and it’s time for this team to put up or shut up otherwise they’ll continue their slow painful slide down our rankings.

7. The Big Dawgs

An overall disappointing showing for the Dawgs in their rivalry week, and we’re left struggling to understand just what gets them to wag their tails. Some touchdowns papered over the cracks of what could’ve been an even more disastrous week, but at the same time the dawgs just may know where to find pay dirt on the map. A slight jump up in rankings comes from the breakout of their young running back core including their own version of Vontae Mack from the critically acclaimed blockbuster hit, Draft Day, in Dameon Pierce.

Things don’t get easier for the dawgs any time soon as they have to line up against the Crockpot Boys in a weeks time. Time will soon tell whether or not the dawgs will be in time out or getting some T-R-E-A-T-S.

6. Bread ‘N’ Butter

King of the Hill, or over the hill? That’s what many around the league are starting to wonder about Bread ‘N’ Butter’s cornerstone player Justin Jefferson. Some others are even asking if their star player is going to get a Viking sendoff, but we here at Picked Off Magazine know Bread N Butter would rather go down with the ship than see that happen. It will be interesting to see how this team who was riding higher than Willie Nelson in Amsterdam responds to defeat moving forward.

A drop from the top tier of our rankings this week comes after we mentioned warning signs about this high flying duos humility last week. Lets see if they can right the ship and we expect to see a couple lineup changes in week four including the season debut of star tight end George Kittle.

5. Team Diversity

After deploying sleeper agent Kirk Cousins last week Team Diversity decided to lay off of their cunning tricks this week and lean on another Kirk. As their King goes so do they, and signs of life from Derrick Henry elevated the rest of the bunch to victory. They’ll continue to go as far as their King takes them, but let’s not count out how Team Diversity got a big piece of that downright tantalizing Jaguars offense in the $84 million dollar man, Captain Christian Kirk. A captain and a King, not a bad pairing, like fries and a frosty.

The return of JK Dobbins is nothing to kid about as well but will this team continue to pick the right players to start every week? Next week they get a motivated group of Hogs who’s hearts they’ll look to break.

4. My Wife Left Me

It may seem harsh to drop this team down a spot, but it’s simply because they had a bye week this time around going against the sorry Kryptonite so we didn’t get to learn much about this team. When the lights are on the stars shine the brightest and Hollywood Brown is leading the race to win Best Supporting Receiver behind Lead Receiver Stefon Diggs. It’s the most exciting time to be in the My Wife Left Me support group since three years ago when they road the historic coattails of Christian McCaffrey in route to their championship.

Many in the league still wonder about the alleged teammates that make up this organization, and some are starting to liken them to that girl you don’t know who went to another school. She’s real I promise. Either way we may find out if this is a Manti Te’o situation or not at the draft in a years time.

3. A Shot and a Beer

Guarantees. They mean something in this league. While these two teammates were on different coasts their synergy couldn’t be stronger as they delivered on their guarantee to take down heated rival the Big Dawgs. We here at Picked Off Magazine must pose an important question however. Will these two teammates keep the train rolling once they’re living in the same city for the first time ever? Or are they better off dealing with each other from afar?

In a year where so far the running backs haven’t lived up to their billing, the team that drafted 8 receivers may just have successfully zagged when everyone else zigged. Are they innovators or will history repeat itself once again later this year.

2. The Conglomerate

Stand. Now clap. Now cheer, and finally cry. Tears of joy and jubilation should rain worldwide as The Conglomerate starts their reign. Go out and get your guy. They did. Now Lamar Jackson is in uncharted territory and has a one way ticket to Titletown, USA. Speaking of, now’s not too late to hop on The Conglomerate bandwagon and you can show your undying support by wearing your own officially licensed jersey. Russell “12” Gage certainly was the “Start of the Week” and propelled the global brand to new heights in week 3.

1. The Crockpot Boys

What’s the only way out when you’re backed into a corner? To start punching. And punching the Crockpot Boys will do starting with the Big Dawgs next week. It wasn’t meant to be this week, but their time is coming, and it’ll be here sooner than anyone will expect. We here at Picked Off Magazine are not professional fortune tellers like the great Zoltar, but all we’ll say is that we have an early preview of what the Big Dawgs will be singing at karaoke next week.

Others Wanting to Receive Consideration:
Untethered Rage.
Just what they deserve this week. Luck. Oh wait just kidding I’m not a PSYCHOPATH who would actually think that. HA ha ha AH ha.

…anywhos we’ve been seeing mentions here and there wondering how this team can get back in our good graces and to be treated as an equal even? For that we hate to repeat ourselves over and over but our answer remains the same.

Their tyrranic and unethical ways won’t be easily forgiven, but first things first:

Too-da-loo,
– Miles