Power Rankings – Week 5

After four weeks we’re starting to understand just where these teams in the Dad Bods Fantasy Football League stand and what they’re made of. Without further ado here’s how we rank the teams heading into week 5:

11. The Big Dawgs

Movable object meet unstoppable force. That’s just what happened this week for the Big Dawgs as they found themselves on the other end of the barrel versus the Crockpot Boys. Add in a season ending injury for star running back Javonte Williams and where do the Dawgs go from here? They’ll need to lean on their beloved rookie Dameon Pierce to get through the storm, or hope one of their league leading two suspended players pulls a Bobby Valentine and sneaks onto the field with a sunglasses and mustache disguise.

A fall for the Dawgs to the bottom of our ranking comes because they’ve now unlocked the Crockpot Boys in their impending domination.

10. IC Lighters

After their bailout last week the IC Lighters fell flat and showed their true colors. So far keeper Jonathan Taylor has been nothing to write home about, but the Lighters have still been writing letters every single day. Some are starting to wonder if these letters are getting intercepted before they reach Jonathan, and either way it looks like a scratchy owner renovating an old team hoping one day to restore it back to its’ former glory just a year ago.

This team remains towards the bottom of our rankings after a week four performance that barely made a whimper. Time to get the boat ready and hope for some rain to try to rekindle this team with a little taste of passion.

9. McTangos Kryptonite

They’ve woken up from that second nap and are starting to feel just a little bit better. Almost scoring the sum of their previous two weeks this week the Kryptonite have notched their first win of the season. A bit of luck was needed to get them over the line but a slump buster could be just what the doctor ordered for last year’s champions.

We here at Picked Off Magazine are happy to see some signs of life from this franchise but are not yet ready to have them ranked beyond the bottom fourth of the league.

8. Oprah’s Clunge

Oprah’s Clunge… or Oprah’s Plunge? The Plunge can’t seem to find a way to do something that may be important in this league, win. Another decent showing results in nothing once again and the Plunge might need to call the plumber to fix this clog because Austin Ekeler and Tyreek Hill seemingly can’t do it on their own. The Plunge must be spending too much time on the O Network instead of the NFL Network as they leave their fans disappointed again here in week 4.

Firmly in control of their mid to late ranking through the start of the season, the Clunge might need to take a plunge of faith and wake up their players or flush them out.

7. The Conglomerate

They can’t go on like this. They won’t go on this like. Just a week after a glorious showing that gave us glimpses of the potential this team has they’ve taken two steps backwards. If you’ve been following along you know we’ve been hearing some rumblings…

For now we’ll rank this team about the middle of the pack simply because we don’t quite yet know what these wildcard owners will do in the coming days…

6. Team Diversity

Good (JK) Dobby, Bad Team Diversity. After getting off to a hot start in the early slate of the Sunday games scoring 3 touchdowns in about 7 minutes they quickly decided they wanted to be free elves and not hold up the responsibilities of the team the rest of the day. A lack of production from their receiving corps who were too busy playing quidditch hampered great showings from their stable of running backs.

A slight drop in our rankings comes with this team having to find out where the points will come from week in and week out and make sure they don’t lock away performances in Azkaban like Rashaad Penny’s on Sunday.

5. Hogs, Inc.

A silent guardian. A watchful protector. A dark knight. However, this dark knight was the hero Hogs, Inc. needed and not the one they deserved. In a position that so far has been more desolate than Gotham itself, The Hockman posted a vigilante like 8/179/2 line to lead the Hogs to this weeks top score. A light with the outline of a hog (what kind of hog is open to your own interpretation) was shined in the sky after crime ruled the land and the call was answered this week. No one cared who he was until he put on the mask.

Well we care now and production from the dark knight results in a bump up our power rankings for the Hogs. Expect to see some more Hog stickers on the player’s helmets next week as they get ready for the IC Lighters.

4. Bread ‘N’ Butter

Light up. That’s just what Justin Jefferson did to the IC Lighters defense this weekend. It’s a fine line between stud and dud and after two weeks of falling Bread ‘N’ Butters star man is looking golden. After years of being so lonely Bread ‘N’ Butter found their own watermelon sugar with their new teammate. One things for certain they truly adore their star keeper who’s now gone international.

Will this team treat people with kindness, or will their ego find them too busy under the canyon moon admiring the sunflowers. We’ll have to wait and see but for now He, Justin Jefferson, is looking like the cherry on top of the sundae.

3. A Shot and a Beer

Defense wins championships, and so far this team has had one of the best defenses in the league allowing the third least amount of points through four weeks. You can only beat who you play, and this contemporary duo have done just that with a perfect record to start the season. Add in a victory this past week over the corruptioner’s team and fans world wide are cheering A Shot and A Beer’s name. While still early, it looks like a stroke of genius at the draft with their wide receiver maximum strategy. However, some are starting to wonder just what A Shot And A Beer will do with only two healthy running backs on their roster heading into the meat of the season. Luckily for them you’re only required to start two because the bargaining power will not be in their favor if they start making calls around the league looking for someone to run in between the numbers.

Either way a perfect start lands keeps A Shot and A Beer with that perfect amount of buzz, and lets hope they don’t find themselves on a date with a bottle of rumplemintz any time soon…

2. My Wife Left Me

My Wife Left Me’s Recipe to success:

Pretty simple to follow if you ask us here at Picked Off Magazine. They’ll take their chefpertise into week 5 when they match up in the battle of the undefeateds.

1. The Crockpot Boys

It’s October and look who’s woken up. That’s right. Just like Rory McIlroy and his Omega, The Crockpot Boys are officially Standing in the Hall of Fame. And by Hall of Fame we mean teams with at least one victory. Some may have ridiculed, unrightfully so I must say, our consistently high ranking of the Crockpot Boys but they’ve clearly never made buffalo chicken dip because it takes a while for the pot to heat up and only glory awaits on the other side.

Just like Eli Manning and his Citizen Eco-Drive watch, the Crockpot Boys are unstoppable.

Look out.

Bubble Team(s):
Untethered Rage.
Defeat. Just what they deserve when you start Marcus Mariota. Someone tell this team its not 2013 anymore and they can’t trade in a Heisman Trophy for DBFFL points. The quarterback position will anchor this corrupt team until they find a solution.

It was nice to see you again,
– Miles