Power Rankings – Week 7

An overhaul in the rankings called for a new way we think about these teams. In a week clouded by scandal (ICYMI – Full story here) our rankings have become a bit fuzzy as we await the uncertain future. All four teams involved were clearly affected this week as their play reflected.

One thing we know for certain though is it has caused an unprecedented shake up of our rankings heading into week 7. A low scoring week amidst the lowest scoring year in thirteen years resulted in less than stellar fantasy football matchups. Nevertheless here’s how we see the teams as they currently stand and it’s quite apparent we cannot condone the acts some of these disgraceful teams have taken.

12. Untethered Rage*

We’ve been hacked.

Jokes aside now’s their chance to take this matter seriously. This is their ranking only if they do what’s RIGHT for the first time in their unchecked power-filled rule. Integrity used to mean something in this league and we have four teams making a mockery of it. Step up to the plate Commissioner. Play Ball.

As for their performances on the field for the first six weeks all we have to say is

*this ranking is contingent on the previously mentioned matters at hand

T-8. The Crockpot Boys

You’re shocked. We’re shocked. How have the mercurial Crockpot Boys found themselves on the other side our rankings? Certainly not because they have the worst record in the league. That doesn’t make any sense, and we’re all about sense here at Picked Off Magazine. Can’t be about their repeated failures year in and year out, no not that. Our readers are the sharpest crayons in the box, so you will have noticed they are tied for second to last in our rankings. The reason is all the same for the Crockpot Boys as well as their fellow brothers in crime. The allegations to have come out have been damning, and until the picture becomes clearer we must keep these team with off the field issues banded together.

No reason to mention the 88 points they hung up this week, so we won’t.

T-8. The Big Dawgs

At the center of everything the Big Dawgs barked. Now they’re likely to find themselves locked away with a bone to keep them busy. Unfortunately for them there was no tail wagging this week on the field either despite a season besting performance from talisman Brandon Aiyuk. Big Dawgs ownership group perhaps could’ve taken a note from some of their key contributors this week who were off on a bye week and just stayed at home. Now they’ll need to sit, stay, and heel in hopes they aren’t sent back to the kennel.

A punch in the face this week will need to heal as they look onwards to next week.

T-8. A Shot and A Beer

Last year’s reigning one seed is this weeks reigning bottom feeder. Clearly the off the field issues played a part in the week 6 performance of A Shot and a Beer. They’ve found themselves with a shot and a beer too many and politely (or maybe not so…) asked to leave the establishment. Two weeks removed from a trade that seems to have changed the entire landscape of their season now hangs in full focus. Disarray on and off the field surrounds A Shot and a Beer who may need to mix a water in here sometime soon.

One thing we know for certain is this team means something to this ownership group. Once they sober up from the off the field allegations we know this team will evaluate where they stand and where to go from here. It’s championship or bust and they don’t plan on busting.

T-8. Bread ‘N’ Butter

While Bread ‘N’ Dudder try to slap away the off field issues, tensions also rise within the front office. A slapstick performance from this high flying duo is untimely on the back of a loss last week. Might be time to slap the bass in efforts to find a new tune to get their grove back to what it once was just a few weeks ago. A slap to the face could be the reality check the Butter boys need to get back to their winning ways. While these reports will follow them around like a black cloud for the foreseeable future one thing that’s proven to induce a short term memory is victory on the field.

Look for Bread ‘N’ Butter to put forth some effort to their on the field performances to cover up the name that’s been slapped on their back lately.

7. IC Lighters

They’re 3-3… how? The best in the business at bringing their opponent down to the ground floor is how. Yet another pillow fight for the IC Lighters has members around the league wondering what sacrilegious acts they do to come out victorious after a performance like that. Luck of the Lighters? Let’s see if they can find another pot of gold under the rainbow next week as they only need to take down the team across the way from them.

A rise up the rankings feels somewhat forced given the product we’ve seen on the field week in and week out, but at what point do we start to consider this a skill?

6. Team Diversity

Ladies and gentlemen… the slump. That’s all it is over at Team Diversity. A Slump. No more, no less. They fell victim to the IC Lighters reindeer games this week who have caught many others before as well. Year after year this team improves, and while we’re not seeing improvements early on this season we expect this management group to turn this slump into a bump up our rankings. In a week riddled with injuries and byes 2.9 points from the running back room is going to land Team Diversity on the wrong end of the stick more times than not.

The return of the King looks to ride down the hill to save the day as the rest of Team Diversity attempts to hold the fort who’s weak point as been exposed.

5. McTango’s Kryptonite

New Jersey’s finest, which isn’t saying much, finally find themselves off the bottom of the league standings. Some signs of life for this team after a truly tumultuous start to the year for the reigning champions. But it’s not all Taylor ham and Bruce Springsteen songs for this duo as their running backs still look like they were born to run in 2019. Adding another notch in the win column should have this team dancing in the dark in the neighboring streets of Philadelphia (very safe idea).

The Kryptonite find themselves in uncharted territories this high up in the rankings this season. Let’s see if they can get on fire or will they find themselves down by the river soon again.

4. Hogs, Inc.

After Mike From New Jersey Gesicki disgraced the world once again with his “Griddy”, noted Griddy boy and fact lover Ja’Marr Chase had to step in.

And step in he did, unlike the Hogs on Friday night who suspiciously were no where to be found. They have A Shot and a Beer as an alibi but we know how far back those franchises go… However we won’t speculate as it’s fact based journalism above all else, and the facts of the matter are the Hogs picked up a commanding win this week led by that number 1 combo meal McGriddle.

3. The Conglomerate

First things first. Congratulations to The Conglomerate as their international brand has gained a new member to the executive board while they were on location for a scouting trip overseas. A disappointing result this week on the field doesn’t hinder the lips of this angelic franchise as their potential is sky high. Some growing pains with team chemistry is expected with so much personnel turnover recently. Expect this team to gel harder than Max Keeble’s hair during his big move soon.

Despite the loss this week The Conglomerate remain up here where the air is thin.

2. Oprah’s Clunge

Sun’s out, Clunge out. Get your sunblock ready because it’s your time to enjoy your day in the sun, Oprah’s Clunge. We here at Picked Off Magazine are thrilled to see a team like the Clunge take in constructive criticism as well as they have the past two week after we pointed out a few chinks in the armor. Take note, rest of league. The Clunge are a shining spectacle in the Dad Bods Fantasy Football League. We’re never one to be reactionary and this ranking shows Oprah’s Clunge is here to stay. How will they handle the pressure at the Tyreek Hilltop is still yet to be seen.

Either way back to back prove it performances has this franchise rising up our rankings fast.

1. My Wife Left Me

In a week when this team has been at their most vulnerable, like many that have come before them, they have found a way to sneak past the Crockpot Boys. Hard to comprehend beating a juggernaut like the Crockpot Boys, but through six weeks My Wife Left Me is flashing some of that previous championship pedigree. Maybe My Wife Left Me is better off on their own, perhaps they should even call themselves Single and Ready to Mingle Guy. Fill up the fridge with some Budweiser’s because the bachelor boat pad is open for business. When the houseboats a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.

Welcome to the top of our rankings for this steadying force.

Hopefully greener pastures ahead,
– Miles