SFO Midseason Report – Year 2
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Well, well, well… what do we have here. Hello reader, we here at Picked Off Magazine have crunched the numbers, analyzed the schedules, and even used a time machine to see the future. Below we review how we’ve gotten here so far in year two, and tell you what to expect in the weeks ahead. The predictive percentages are purely from our model, but final finishing position is our own opinion, and therefore factual. Enjoy. Or don’t. I don’t care (i do) (alot).
Commissioner W.
Make Playoffs: 43% / 1st Round Bye: 1% / Win Finals: 3%
Season So Far:
The Good: Let me tell you, folks, they’re looking very, very rich – I’m talking $500 richer by season’s end, thanks to a beautiful, brilliant offseason bet against the Ice Cream Boys. Now, some people – not everyone, but some people – doubted Sam Darnold and Bo Nix. They doubted them. But these guys? Exceeding expectations! They’re winners, folks. Big winners. And only the commish, a very wise guy, could’ve predicted it. Tremendous.
Then there’s Saquon Barkley. What a steal, folks! What a deal! The price they paid? Absolute bargain. Now he’s playing like the superstar we always knew he was, but he had to get out of that disaster zone. The Giants? YAC? I’ll leave that for you, the people, to decide – you know what I mean.
And don’t even get me started on Josh Downs, okay? Josh Downs – what can I say, people are talking about him! He’s very small. Much smaller than me, of course. But It’s huge, it’s going to be huge. Just remember who said it first. Me.
The Mid: Look, they’re 4-4. Not good, not terrible – but let’s be real, very, very mid. Just ask anyone, they’ll tell you. Now, Saquon – great guy, great player – but I hate to break it to you, he doesn’t get a single fantasy point for keeping his hands on Jalen Hurts’ tush. None. Zero. Sad!
But don’t worry, the commish, smart guy, he’s working on it. He’s talking legislation, folks. He’s taking it to the Winter Summit. Can he get points awarded for ‘tush pushing’? Well, only time will tell – but if anyone can pull it off, it’s him.
The Ugly: Alright, let’s talk running backs here. Outside of Saquon, folks, there’s just not a lot going on. I mean, Javonte Williams? Jaylen Warren? Uhhh… not exactly inspiring a lot of confidence, okay? We’re talking about players that, let’s be honest, aren’t quite lighting it up. And then, there’s this guy – ‘Chris Olave.’ They call him a ‘cornerstone player.’ But I thought cornerstone players scored more than one touchdown a year! Am I wrong, folks? That’s what a cornerstone is supposed to do, right? It’s almost too funny if you think about it. Unreal! Ha Ha.
Grade: B+
Rest of Season Outlook:
We’re looking at one of the most unbelievably mediocre teams I’ve ever seen. I mean, 4-4? Total middle of the pack. They’re not winning, they’re not losing – they’re just kind of… there. Some people would call that ‘playing it safe,’ but I call it failing, folks.
And let’s talk about the trades, alright? They’re sitting on the fence, completely undecided if they’re going to buy or sell. They can’t make up their minds! It’s like watching someone who just wants to keep everyone happy. But we know that doesn’t work – you gotta take a stand. They need to start dealing assets or stacking up picks because right now? They’re just filibustering. Nothing’s happening!
And then, folks, the kicker: they don’t even have their own first-round draft pick! Can you believe that? It’s like losing Texas in an election. Absolutely devastating. You don’t give up a pick like that unless you’ve got a very strong plan – which they clearly don’t. Sad!
So here’s my prediction, and boy is it a great prediction: they’re going to limp to 7-7, close but no cigar. They’ll be saying goodbye to the playoffs while the real teams, the winners, go forward. Because in SFO, like in life, folks, you’re either a winner or you’re not. And this team? Let’s be honest – right now, they’re not.
Projected Finish: 7-7, 8th Place
KySol
Make Playoffs: 83% / 1st Round Bye: 20% / Win Finals: 18%
Season So Far:
The Good: The champ turned down offer after offer this offseason for Nico Collins, Drake London, and Joe Mixon…. and now we know why. This organization is built on star power, and when they’re healthy, the stars shine. Things could be a lot worse for a team that has so far withstood injuries to CMC, Nico Collins, and Tua. Oh, and Chuba Hubbard is… pretty darn good? Too good to ignore so(me) are saying…
The Mid: The 4-4 club has many members, and the champ is feeling VERY lucky to be in it after a miraculous comeback in week 7 thanks to Mr. Post Bye Bump himself, CeeDee Lamb. While stars litter the roster, the otherwise lack of depth and get out of jail free cards make this team walk the tightrope in hopes of a repeat championship season.
The Ugly: Tua, Kirk, Jones, Carr…. I don’t think Lizzie McGuire was singing about this quarterback room when she said ‘This is what dreams are made of’. Also, not to doubt you reader, but I sure hope you didn’t forget what happened in week one while this team sat by idly and accepted a week 1 loss after the news that CMC would be spending a lot of time vacationing in Germany testing horse tranquillizers.
Grade: B
Rest of Season Outlook:
It’s hard to overstate just how crucial last week’s narrow victory was for this team. Sitting at 3-5 would have left them behind the eight ball, with little room for error in a season that’s sputtered compared to last year. But now, they’re right back in the mix, and reinforcements in Nico Collins and Christian McCaffrey are looking like they’re just around the corner.
Simply put, this isn’t a team you want to see across the app come playoff time if they can stay healthy. Reports suggest they’re aggressively seeking to improve their QB room before the trade deadline, but let’s be real: we’ve heard this story before. They don’t intend to give up anything substantial to make it happen. With that in mind, the roster you see now is likely the roster we’ll have by season’s end.
But the big question remains: is it enough to win? It worked last year, but that was then, and this is now. They’ll likely make the dance again, but this time, it feels like they could be heading home early without getting another drink from the Tap. The stakes are high, and while hope is alive, this team has to prove it can rise to the occasion.
Projected Finish: 8-6 2nd Place
Ice Cream Boys
Make Playoffs: <1% / 1st Round Bye: <1% / Win Finals: <1%
Season So Far:
The Good: Yeah… hard to find much to write here… I suppose we should commend them for not aggressively buying after an early season ‘flashing’ and digging this Grand Canyon sized hole any deeper. Sources close to the situation suggest that’s mostly due to the newest teammate’s aired words of caution. 2025 isn’t too far away, right? Someone say yes. Say yes. Please.
The Mid: Nabers looks to be every part of a superstar, but again he simply had to be at the price that was paid. Similarly with De’Von Achane. Baker Mayfield has been a revelation as well, just ask the Ice Cream Boys they’ll be more than happy to tell you.
The Ugly: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Grade: F
Rest of Season Outlook:
It’s bleak. How do they dig themselves out of this hole? One step at a time, right? They’re rumored to be sellers as the deadline approaches, but sources here at Picked Off Magazine suggest that the asking prices from the Ice Cream Boys have thus far been astronomical, ill-founded, and downright crazy.
That’s not a position anyone wants to be in. Maybe they’ll change their tune and let players like Mayfield, Achane, and Pittman help out other teams in the playoff hunt, cashing in before any potential of slipping down a slope like Anthony Richardson. But let’s be honest – it seems very unlikely they’ll reacquire their own 2025 first-round pick. So, just like the playoffs this season, it looks like the ICB will be sitting on the sidelines while the other teams have all the fun at the draft. Mama mia. Perhaps the reports of early retirement are true…
Projected Finish: 3-11 12th Place
Vice
Make Playoffs: 94% / 1st Round Bye: 74% / Win Finals: 29%
Season So Far:
The Good: Undeserved. Quite simply this team has no right to be in the position they currently are. But here we are, and they’re taking it and running from this point forward. They’ve weathered a bit of a storm with injuries to AJ Brown, Johnathan Taylor, and adjacently struggling Dolphins offense thanks to lucky scheduling. Oh and a Nico Collins clone in Cedric Tillman has recently joined the roster… Or at least that’s what the delusional Vice will tell you.
The Mid: The teams performance this year. Pretty bang average. The team’s newest addition Tee Higgins. Pretty bang average. The owner’s looks. Pretty bang average. The owner’s job and girlfriend. Totally non existent.
The Ugly: Jayden Reed, the pick that became BTJ, and Dalton Kincaid for the worst seasons of Tyreek Hill and Mark Andrews career? Nice move, idiot.
Grade: B-
Rest of Season Outlook:
Doesn’t this guy have anything better to do with his time? No, he certainly does not, the loser. He can’t keep getting away with it, and while he’s in a strong position for the rest of the season the luck will certainly dry up. Now there’s rumors he’s interested in moving one or a few of those first round picks he has stored for a difference maker (or two), but can we trust him to make the right decision when last time he tried that he got Hill and Andrews? Hah. Don’t think so.
A fall from the non-existent grace he believes he has is in short order. And if he stays put and thinks that roster is ‘enough’ to get across the finish line because some fancy numbers say so, well, enjoy playing in the 3rd place game again, buddy. At least he’s easy to root against.
Projected Finish: 10-4 4th Place
YAC Enterprises
Make Playoffs: 76% / 1st Round Bye: 10% / Win Finals: 11%
Season So Far:
The Good: They were number one. Didn’t you hear about it? Week 6. The league stood still as it kneeled and admired their great leaders atop of the standings. Or at least that’s how it played out in their heads.
On another note the 300 TD season from Derrick Henry still looks like it’s on the table, and despite offseason holdout concerns Ja’Marr Chase has been as advertised. Signs of occasional life from Juiced Williams in Detroit could be an X-Factor down the stretch too.
The Mid: The roster is a bit thin, and it’s starting to crack. Don’t worry, they have concepts of a plan to fill those cracks. But sometimes the best investments are the ones you don’t make.
The Ugly: Imagine this team with Saquon Barkley and George Kittle. They might’ve had a lot more time moonlighting as Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen…
Grade: B
Rest of Season Outlook:
Let’s take a moment to talk about YAC Enterprises. Once a formidable contender in our league, they now find themselves at 4-4, navigating the ups and downs of this season. But let me remind you: just as Puerto Rico embodies resilience and strength, YAC represents the potential for greatness, regardless of their current standing.
YAC Enterprises is not here to play by the old rules. They are here to challenge the status quo, to break down barriers, and to welcome every player into the fold. While other teams may cling to outdated notions of who belongs, YAC is embracing diversity. They understand that true strength comes from a variety of perspectives and talents.
In a league that often resists change, YAC recognizes that progress is essential. While some teams may still rely on rigid plays and outdated statistics, YAC is out there innovating, finding new strategies, and stepping boldly into the future. And let’s be real—some of those crowd sizes at other games? Well, let’s just say YAC’s fanbase is growing strong, and they’re not just filling a stadium; they’re filling hearts with hope!
As we move toward playoff time, whether YAC takes home the trophy this year or next, they are already winning by building a vision that everyone can aspire to. This is about creating a new way forward—one where every player, every fan, and every voice matters.
Projected Finish: 8-6 5th Place
Tight Cores Anonymous
Make Playoffs: 42% / 1st Round Bye: 3% / Win Finals: 8%
Season So Far:
The Good: Kboy
The Mid: Kboy
The Ugly: Kboy
Grade: A-
Rest of Season Outlook:
Led by their new fearless leader, Kboy, the Cores have had equal highs and lows of the season. Brian Thomas Jr. is fulfilling the prophecy and then some. Justin Fields got his shot, and now Russell Wilson is… Mr. Unlimited again? Kenneth Walker can catch the ball and is a rumbling bumbling bad man. Chubb is back and Josh Jacobs is the beneficiary of a tantalizing packers offense. Adams and Cooper are officially out of their bad situations, but how much better is the new place? The grass isn’t always greener, but time will soon tell.
Needless to say there’s lots to be excited about so far in what was a potentially volatile season much like last year. As previously reported the Cores look to firmly be in the buyer’s market and more specifically are looking for a QB to supplant either Aaron Rodgers or (insert Pittsburgh/Tennessee QB here). However, thus far, teams are holding onto those precious Quarterbacks like Thor and his hammer. Let’s see if Kboy can Captain America his way into his own hammer (this totally happened right guys? Someone ask the newest member, and marvel maniac, of the ICB pls). And if so, watch out.
Parity is the name of the game this SFO season, and the Cores might just fall victim to that in the final stretch. We anticipate more of the same rollercoaster ride, with the Cores narrowly missing out on their playoff dreams.
Needless to say, they’re in the hunt.
Projected Finish: 7-7 7th Place
Token North County Kid
Make Playoffs: 73% / 1st Round Bye: 12% / Win Finals: 7%
Season So Far:
The Good: Just like the Chiefs, their innovative bye week is behind them now. Surely this team building strategy isn’t going to work right? Well it sort of is…. And the offseason addition Kyren Williams is addicted to scoring touchdowns.
The Mid: The Chiefs are good, but their offense is.. pretty average. But so is most of SFO. Just need to be a little bit better than that. Which they intend on doing.
The Ugly: Rashee Rice, Hollywood Brown, Isiah Pacheco, Cooper Kupp…. Ouchy. Oh yeah and that Mahomes guy is a game manager now.
Grade: A-
Rest of Season Outlook:
The future is now. A team so sharp, so forward-thinking, that while others are busy laughing, they might want to look in the mirror—because this lineup is about to leave them in the dust. This all-Chief (and a couple Rams) roster isn’t just a collection of players; it’s a calculated, powerhouse play, leaning into the league’s (once) most explosive offense with the full intention of reaping the rewards.
And the doubters? They can keep their chuckles for now, but once this team heats up, they’ll be speechless. In fact, don’t be surprised when this savvy contender sells Rashee Rice to a rebuilder, further fortifying its shot at the title. This isn’t just playing the game; it’s rewriting the rulebook on how it’s done. So, while others play catch-up, they’re setting trends, and history will remember them not as lucky, but as bold and brilliant. And sexy. Like really, ridiculously sexy.
The critics can keep laughing, but those chuckles are about to turn into shock as this lineup ignites. History will remember this team as the one that didn’t just ride the wave—it created one. So laugh while you can, because when the dust settles, this team will be holding the trophy. Never wrong, just early… and ready to for the Tap to spend the year up north.
Projected Finish: 8-6 1st Place
TEU
Make Playoffs: 28% / 1st Round Bye: 1% / Win Finals: 9%
Season So Far:
The Good: It was always Jayden Reed. And TEU always knew. It was always Terry McLaurin. TEU Knew. It was always George Pickens (bit early here but wait). TEU Knows. Who knew the NFC North would be the best division in football? TEU knew.
The Mid: TEU lives and dies by Love and the Packers. When it’s good, its great. When it’s not, they go 1-5. Similar to that mid major in March that lives and dies by the 3 ball.
The Ugly: The start of the season was TEU-G-L-Y. They say you can’t win the championship on the first day, but you can lose it. Unfortunately those first few weeks may have put the nail in TEU’s coffin.
Grade: B+
Rest of Season Outlook:
After stumbling to a 1-5 record, the team has been haunted by missed opportunities and the heavy weight of expectations. It’s like walking through a foggy graveyard, where every step feels like a reminder of what could have been.
But now, as the leaves change color and the days grow shorter, there’s a flicker of hope. Players like Jayden Reed and Gibbs are starting to shine, showing glimpses of the talent that could turn their season around. Yet, even with this newfound energy, the question looms: is it Too Little, Too Late?
As they navigate this crucial stretch, the players are reminded that the spirit of the game is alive in them. Unfortunately, as the season progresses, it becomes increasingly clear that time is running out. Ultimately, despite their best efforts, it’s too little, too late, and Tight End University must face the hard truth: it’s time to Leave (Get Out) and start fresh for next season.
Projected Finish: 6-8 9th Place
Ugly Peoples Club
Make Playoffs: 97% / 1st Round Bye: 74% / Win Finals: 22%
Season So Far:
The Good: As it was written. Lisan al-Gaib, show the UPC the way. Jayden Daniels is the one.
The Mid: The running back and wide receiver rooms are like the Fremen tribes of Arrakis, strong and resourceful, forged through the trials of the season. When joined with the exceptional talents of Lamar, Daniels, and Kittle, they form a formidable alliance, much like a well-planned strike against the enemy.
The Ugly: One injury from disaster, yet are we not all mere mortals in this vast desert of competition? The sands shift beneath our feet, and with every passing moment, the balance of power teeters on the edge of a knife. In the great SFO, just as in the struggle for survival on Arrakis, a single misstep can spell doom.
Grade: A+
Rest of Season Outlook:
INT. DESERT SANDS – TWILIGHT
The warm winds of the desert swirl around JAYDEN DANIELS and his two partners, the owners of UPC, each radiating power and allure. The air is thick with the scent of spice, a symbol of the destiny that binds them. Under the deepening twilight, they stand together, a united force, their eyes shimmering with ambition and desire.
JAYDEN
(his voice rich and inviting)
“This land will know our names, and together, we will carve our destiny into the fabric of the universe.”
As they move closer, the electric chemistry ignites, drawing them into an intimate embrace. The desert, vast and endless, feels like a world crafted just for them—three souls intertwined in purpose and passion.
OWNER 1
(his voice soft yet commanding)
“Your vision inspires us, Jayden. In your strength, we find our fire. Together, we will conquer all that stands in our way.”
He leans in, brushing his lips against his cheek, their connection deepening with every breath. The other owner watches, eyes filled with admiration, ready to join in this intimate moment.
OWNER 2
(taking a step forward, voice smooth and sultry)
“We are more than just partners; we are bound by love and ambition. The UPC is our creation, and together, we’ll turn dreams into reality.”
As their lips meet in a passionate kiss, the warmth of the desert night envelops them. Each heartbeat echoes with the promise of their shared journey, the intensity of their connection weaving together their fates.
JAYDEN
(breaking the kiss, his gaze intense)
“Let us unleash our power upon this world. With love as our foundation, there is nothing we cannot achieve.”
They share knowing smiles, hands entwined, ready to face the challenges ahead as a throuple united in ambition and passion, their hearts beating as one against the backdrop of the infinite desert.
FADE OUT.
…just like the UPC will in the playoffs, but 3rd place is quite the improvement from last year…. the desert mouse.
(no i did not finally watch the movie last night or anything like that i promise. i have lots of better things to do like make love to many beautiful women for example)
Projected Finish: 10-4 3rd Place
Sweaty Pitts Anonymous
Make Playoffs: 3% / 1st Round Bye: 1% / Win Finals: 1%
Season So Far:
The Good: The heart wants what it whats, but the head has won the battle within the Pitts camp. They weren’t expecting to be where they were, but deep down they knew this wasn’t a championship roster this year. Enter an island of injured stars to add to their multiyear vision of league domination.
The Mid: Lets have an honest discussion here. Caleb Williams. He’s not been a season’s worth of pain, yet.
The Ugly: If you’re going to lose, then lose. This team shouldn’t be 4-4, and will have some hard work to do to out tank the Ice Cream Boys for the first overall pick. Also, reports this summer suggested the Pitts were offered a get out of jail free card for Bryce Young… and well.. yeah.. Maybe next time.
Grade: C+
Rest of Season Outlook:
The Pitts are on a bold journey, quietly crafting a new approach to competition that many in the league just don’t get—yet. While other teams might be more concerned with how their players’ girlfriends look as a measure of confidence, the Pitts are laser-focused on what really matters: creating points in the aggregate.
In a league where flash often overshadows substance, the Pitts embrace innovation with a tight budget. They dive deep into data analytics, uncovering hidden gems who can make a real impact on the field—players that others might overlook. It’s not about the shiny stats or glamorous names for them; it’s about identifying raw talent that can drive results.
As the season unfolds, the Pitts are not just playing to win; they’re leading a revolution in how we think about team building. They’re showing that real confidence comes from adaptability and strategy, not just from who’s on your arm at the next gala.
While the rest of the league may chuckle now, dismissing the Pitts as a quirky underdog, the tides are turning. In time, everyone will come to see the brilliance of their approach. The Pitts are more than a team; they’re a beacon of what can be achieved when you look beyond the surface and focus on the game itself. It’s an exciting time, and soon enough, everyone will be asking how they did it.
Projected Finish: 5-9 11th Place
Thick Thighs Save Lives
Make Playoffs: 14% / 1st Round Bye: 1% / Win Finals: 2%
Season So Far:
The Good: Almost like that 18 y.o. freshman that immediately was the best offensive weapon on a national championship winning roster would be pretty good in the NFL too. Brock Bowers is, and always has been, a star. And the Thighs were well aware.
The Mid: MHJ hasn’t been an immediate world beater, but we used to give rookies time to develop. Not anymore. Too bad, rook.
The Ugly: They’ve lost 5 straight, effectively killing the title dreams that many smart people foresaw this offseason. But make no mistake, this season has been an utter disappointment.
Grade: C
Rest of Season Outlook:
So they’ve gotten the rub of the green thus far. They’re much better than 2-6, but at the same time, you are what your record states, and they’re sitting in 11th place. We here at Picked Off Magazine predicted this team to be middle-upper of the pack through the halfway point of the season, then dip into that war chest of first-round draft picks to make the push to win it all.
However, it looks like they won’t be tapping into that insurance stockpile just yet. Instead, they seem poised to embrace a new identity, focusing on their young stars like C.J. Stroud, Marvin Harrison Jr. (MHJ), Brock Bowers, and even J.J. McCarthy, showcasing the promise of a bright future ahead.
Now, the focus shifts to whether they can sell off some of their aging veterans to bolster their already young and talented roster. Setting the stage for a more competitive run in the coming years. With a strategy centered around accumulating talent and building for the future, this team could emerge as a powerhouse when the time is right. Never, ever, sleep on the Thighs. Except we sort of are the rest of this season….
Projected Finish: 5-9 10th Place
Designated Hardbodies
Make Playoffs: 64% / 1st Round Bye: 4% / Win Finals: 7%
Season So Far:
The Good: these guys are lowkey goated when they’re on fire. maxxxing. like, they’ve scored the most points—bussin points all day. when they’re hot it hits diffy.
The Mid: fr, they’re sitting at 4-4, which is mega mid. just like the niners and their qb, no cap. nothing mogging happening here. feels like they’re edging the hype, like who is bro?
The Ugly: owning the entire jags offense? cringe. turns out that ain’t the vibe. consistency is the real villain in this season’s plot twist. it’s like they’re all over the place—total beta moves. if they don’t figure it out, this season is gonna be a goofy ahh flop. skibdidi toilet ahh sh.
Grade: C+
Rest of Season Outlook:
okay, so like, the hardbodies are straight-up the most infuriating team ever. it’s like, one week they’re trading players like they’re playing hot potato, and the next they can’t even hold a lead. where’s the consistency? do they even know what that means? they hype me up and then flop harder than my last situationship. like, are they trying to make me mad? their aura is all over the place, super cringe, and it goes crazy in the worst way. lowkey, it gives npc vibes. if they put half as much energy into building a squad as they do with these trades, they might actually vibe together. but nah, they’re out here acting all delulu, like they’re just here for the drama.
it’s giving “i’m about to ghost you” energy. honestly, i can already see them making the playoffs, but you know they’ll crash out early because that’s just how they roll. like, they’re low-key simping for a championship but just can’t get it together. i’m over it! if they think i’m gonna be out here cheering for them while they serve that ick, they better get it together. it’s a whole gyat situation, and i can’t deal with this anymore. this ain’t it chief.
Projected Finish: 8-6 6th Place
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We’re halfway there. Everything can and will change.
The honor is always mine,
Seb
